When Did Women Become Men? Bullshit Games and Double Standards

One of my close male friends asked me this question earlier today and I have been pondering it and trying to put the pieces together. I had to ask, "What do you mean?" Well, a little history, this man is a charmer, he's good looking, a great dancer, a smooth talker, and not afraid to be flashy. He's not cheap, he's willing to buy a woman a drink, and never afraid to tell her at least one thing about her that is attractive either personality-wise or physically. We have history between us, but through it all, we've been able to remain at least friends with the occasional slips into the sack here and there. Problem, well, his divorce isn't final yet and as hard as he is trying to mind his p's and q's, he thinks women are making that pretty damn tough for him. As I said, amusing to me.

His response, "Well, I was out this weekend and I was approached by more women that were in a relationship or out with another man, asking for my number and telling me we should get together and hook up."

I laughed, however inappropriately, I was completely amused by it. All I've been thinking about all night is that I have seen it happen all around me for so long now it doesn't shock me. As a woman who was tending bar for just over three years, yes, of course, men hit on you and you laugh it off. The main bar I worked at was a bikini bar so the "regulars" got over it pretty quick and I established some great friendships out of working there. One of my co-workers, a younger female, had a new boy-toy every other week and she was nicknamed the "Queen of Dating" which to this day is still very amusing to me.

However, I'm rambling away from the main story line. My friend and I have known each other for years, prior to me working at the bar, but just now, in the wee hours of the morning, when I should be doing something else, did it occur to me when the "switch" occurred.

My history, from 14 until now, I'll be 27 next month, I've been in 3 serious relationships. I was with the father of my oldest child for six years, off and on, but mostly on. When I came home from the Army, I started seeing someone else, fell head over heels in love with him, and started working with a group of people that I could get into the bars with, and as much as I loved him, he was only 18 and couldn't get in with me. I didn't want to give up my lifestyle of partying and made the huge mistake of letting him go. Well, I ended up going back to the father of my child who while he was a little older than I was, still no bar and party action there. However, in the few weeks that I switched back to him, I got pregnant. I was in the unfortunate position of not knowing who my child belonged to and as cold-hearted as it may sound, I really had hoped that my son belonged to the one that he doesn't. Don't get me wrong, his father is a great dad, I don't regret that for a second, what I do regret is the heartache and pain I caused boyfriend #2 that really wanted this baby to be our child. Well, Daddy #1, didn't even tell his parents I was pregnant until 3 days before I actually had our son and had gone into labor twice already so there was some bitterness. In comes Daddy #2. I met him when my oldest son was only 3 weeks old, and we were together on and off for 6 years. It was a bad relationship, abusive verbally and physically, but I couldn't find the strength to leave because who was going to want a young mother? I kicked him out more times than I can count on my fingers and toes combined, but there was a spark there physically that I always let work to bring him back. So, after having kicked him out for what I swore was the final time, I found out I was pregnant. When I called to tell him, the response I got was, "You get rid of it or I'll do it my way." I was heartbroken, but the fact that he could even say something so cruel just left me shocked. At least this time, there was no doubt that he was the father even though he claimed otherwise. Bitterness again. We tried to make it work again for the sake of our son, but when the only connection you have is in the bedroom, it doesn't make a family whole. We couldn't communicate and the fighting only got worse. I kicked him out again. I went on vacation for a few days in Maui for sun, sand, and relaxation to clear my head with friends: another bartender and a male I previously worked with in the insurance industry. No big deal. Wrong, but that's another story completely.

I'm rambling again.

Well, I come home from Maui and Daddy #1 and I decide to move in together again and give it another shot. Only problem, Maui didn't clear my heart, my heart still was aching for the idea of what I thought Daddy #2 could be. So I told #1 it wasn't going to work and that I couldn't pretend. He moved out and back in moved #2. Ugh, what a mess. So the physical abuse stopped some, but the verbal abuse was still there and when he got pissed he thought it was okay to talk shit about me to our at the time 18 month old son. Not cool, I kicked him out again. DONE!

He was still chasing me, I was adamant about it being over, starting seeing other people, ended up having to get a restraining order, blah, blah, blah. We are still battling in court for custody because of a shitty recommendation from the Guardian ad Litem, yet another story in itself. (Good thing I'm having surgery later this afternoon and will have lots of time to write.)

So back to the question of when women became men... When we got sick and tired of being walked all over!

Boyfriend #2, the one who I had wished so badly was the father of child #1, is a race car driver. He and I didn't really end on terrible terms, hurt, but still civil. We talk occasionally and all was good. Until last weekend. I walked into the pits at the races to be cheerleader for a few of my other friends and BAM! I saw him, my heart started pounding. I looked at him and I felt like a giddy little school girl. I felt pathetic because I couldn't muster up the balls to just go talk to him. Well, I texted him instead, I had something to say. I had texted with him a few days earlier and I had made up my mind that I had something that I needed to tell him and thankfully one of my uber-supportive girlfriends told me that I needed to tell him so that I had no regrets.

PROBLEM: He's engaged now to a girl that has a 7 year old little boy. I texted him that I really needed to talk to him and fully intended on talking to him after he was done loading his car back onto the trailer, but I couldn't wait any longer, my heart was pounding so hard, I left the races in tears thinking that I really would never have my chance to say exactly what I needed to say to him.

We kept going back and forth via text until the car was unloaded at his house and he was gonna drink a beer with one of his pit guys and he would call me when his buddy left. I was waiting at the bar with another bunch of good friends, shaking like a leaf, them trying to tell me that he wasn't going to call and to relax. We decided to go to another bar and as we're walking out the door, HE CALLED!!!! I stopped at the gas station to grab some soda and we were just going to have drinks at his place. Odd... he lives there with his fiance and her child (not with him). She was working 3rd shift.

I had walked through the conversation (actually the one-sided conversation) so many times in my head, I could have been saying it in my sleep. I still love him! He was the best thing that ever happened to me! I don't want him to marry her! Pick ME!!!

So after a few hours of casual catch up, I finally tell him to just shut up and listen. (He is very sensitive; not very good at the shutting up part, but neither am I) During the night, he's proceeded to tell me that she is a lot like me, but cold-hearted, in the 6 years they have been together he has only see her cry once, and the only reason he was with her was because she's "loyal". Then, in not so many words, he told me that he proposed only out of obligation.

Twenty minutes after I had said what I needed to say, that I was sorry, that I learned a lot from our relationship, and I hoped he was happy, he and I are kissing, which he initiated. I backed away at first. If he was really that unhappy with her, what the hell is he doing? So, I enjoy it, it is great to feel his lips on me, everywhere, my neck, ears, lips, I missed it all. Well, so kissing leads to us having sex there in his garage. OF THE HOUSE HE SHARES WITH HIS FIANCE. Not that it was the greatest sex in the world, by far not, but it's with him, the one person I never really was insecure about anything with.

So, the sun is coming up, and she will be home from work soon. I have to go. I don't want to be there when she gets home and of course he sure as hell doesn't want me to be, but as I'm leaving he says "this is the last time" (just like he said the first time he cheated on her with me New Year's Eve a few years ago) so I don't really know what to do. I left and was able to contain my tears until I got halfway down the block and then they poured. I felt guilty, I love a man that never cheated on me, but cheats on her, I don't know if I really know him anymore.

So yesterday, the same day I'm asked this original question, he starts texting me that we should work on what we have in our lives. Okay, I don't want to be the homewrecker, however, does SHE really deserve to marry a man that she apparently doesn't know well either or does know and just chooses to ignore the fact that he's a cheater. To make matters worse, my cousin, who I am very close with, after I talk to her about the whole situation, turns out she works with his fiance. Ugh, now what? She knows how I feel about him and doesn't think that either of us deserve him. I don't necessarily feel like I should be the one to tell his fiance that he is a cheater though. I think that he should have to man up and do it. I've been contemplating so many ways to make it known without making it known that its me leaking the info to her, and I just can't seem to justify not doing it for selfish reasons of them not marrying and he and I having a second chance. But I also think that if he has changed and is a cheater now, do I even want that? MEN SUCK AND ARE FRUSTRATING AS HELL (Sorry guys, but you all say the same about women anyway.)

Well, I figured it out, after he stopped texting me yesterday and my friend asks when the swap happened, it's when we get tired of walked on and treated like dirt that we take things into our own hands. I'm not saying that what we do is always right (neither is what you do boys) but hell, we learned from the best.

It takes two people to talk, it takes two people to screw, and it usually takes two people to play a game. Why all the bullshit games though really? If you're not happy don't jump into a "game of playing house" just for the sake of doing it. Do what is going to make you happy and not chance losing half of your shit in the long run when you get busted for cheating and he or she divorces you?

Where are all the REAL MEN or WOMEN that don't play these bullshit games, sneak around, lie, or abuse their partner?

Daddy #1 wants to get back together and I tell him that my heart and my head are in two different places. My heart tells me to try to hold on to hope that they won't get married and I will get that second chance, my head tells me to stop holding onto the past and move forward and away from all of it.

And onto more games and bullshit, I've been sleeping with someone for almost a year, very casually. He claims to still be in love with his ex, who I am also friends with, they haven't been together for a little over a year. I am so physically attracted to him and emotionally we are connected on a level that no one around us understands. Well, I had the stones to ask him a few weeks ago what makes me "undateable" since things with him are obviously not going to progress to anything more than late night booty calls or when one of us needs moral support. He says it's because I have kids. His son, just turned 18, okay, I get not wanting to start over with a 6 and a 2 year old. I respect that. Then, my uber-supportive girlfriend calls to tell me that he's now dating someone with a 4 year old. He tells me he's not over his ex, he tells her the opposite. He tells me he doesn't know why he jumped into any type of dating relationship with her and that she's jealous and "it's only gonna get worse." WTF guys! Make up your damn minds already and just be straight with us.

Then there is another guy who I have blown off for over two years because I don't really know if he's my "type" and we get along great. He hasn't given up, knows I have kids, has 1 now and 1 on the way, and I still don't know if I should just let my head tell me to start fresh and let the past go. He thinks so, but of course, that's in his best interest to think so.

So back to original guy who asked when the change. Well, he says that I'm being played, sad thing is, he's right, but he is more than willing to be with me, kids and all, he has 2 of his own, whom I adore, but there is still the looming factor that his divorce is not final, I don't want to be that "other woman" and yet if it were Boyfriend #2, I'd jump in head first knowing that it's still the same shitty situation. Then again, WTF is wrong with me for even considering any of it?

SOLUTION: NO LIES, NO CHEATING, NO ABUSING, NO BULLSHIT, and then maybe women will lose their insecurities. I'm content in being alone, I have my kids, and as long as I'm getting some action once in a while, I'm okay, but yet I want someone to share myself with. JUST NO GAMES, does that even exist anymore???? Damnit, I wish I had the answers or a time machine to go back and right the wrongs before the damage was done with Boyfriend #2

They say hindsight is 20/20 but damn they never said it would hurt this much

You were the best thing that ever happened to me other than my children and I let you slip through my fingers. I wish I could only go back and change so many things between you and I. I miss the way we fit together and brought out the best in each other. I just hate the fact that I was so young and let my own insecurities damage the most beautiful thing that I had. Its been almost 7 years and I still think about you all the time. They say time heals all wounds, but why can't I find the band-aid that will heal the heartache. You are truly the one that I cannot replace and to know that you have found another love and are marrying her in just a few months breaks my heart. I will never forget our last New Years Eve together and the memory of dancing in the rain on the way up north. I miss you singing those songs just for me. You were the one to show me what true love is and I so carelessly tossed it aside. I miss you and only wish that you and I could have another chance, I want you to be happy and even if that means with her, I will never find another "you" because I can't stop comparing other men to you. They don't compare. You are the one that I dream of and I want you to be my band-aid.

Cursed Little Bastards

ugh these damn earwigs are irritating the hell out of me!!! I kill 5, throw away the paper towel, turn around, and there is 10 more. DAMN YOU BASTARDS, I only have so much poison to spray you with and make you die! I give up for the night now, but tomorrow you nasty little pariahs will not like my front patio anymore! Boric acid here we come!

The kindness of strangers

There is an amazing website called wishuponahero.com that people can post wishes for wants and needs and search to grant wishes of others as well. I have hit rock bottom right now and I do have a wish posted. However, since I am relatively new to the blog thing with no followers, I have asked for help from some of the blogs I have thoroughly enjoyed reading that have made me laugh and have touched my heart. Immediately, a wonderful stranger offered to help by posting the information to her blog that does have quite a few followers. I was immediately brought to tears by her immediate kindness not even knowing me.

Here is my situation: I am a single mother of two wonderful little boys (6 & 2) that brighten every day of my existence. I normally work 4 jobs on top of being a full-time student and owning my own Mary Kay business. However, right now, I am unable to work because of the surgeries and trying to heal and therefore haven't been able to pay my rent or other bills. I feel useless right now and am depressed as my children need new summer clothes and I can't provide them for them, I can't pay my bills, and I can't work. I am so not used to working that I feel like I am not doing anything productive in providing for my own children. I know there are people in this world that are worse off than I am, but after leaving an abusive relationship after 6 years and finally getting a restraining order and feeling safe again, I am afraid that the understanding and compassion of my landlord (who said he will work with me because of my kindness and compassion to him in the time that his wife was dying and has now passed) will run out shortly because of the medical bills and funeral costs that he has to cover himself. I am behind on my car payment and I lost my car insurance because I can't afford that even. Wisconsin just made it mandatory law so I am afraid to drive for the risk of being pulled over and the pain medication I am on suggests I not, but I do need to be able to get to follow up doctor appointments. My utilities are in danger of being disconnected because of my inability to pay. I am to the point where I am willing to accept hand-me-down donations for my children just so they have appropriate summer clothing. Any help would be greatly appreciated and I truly am grateful for the kindness of those who would be willing to add the wishuponahero.com to their blog and also teach me how to do it for my own blogpage. Again, I am new at this.

Thank you Amber for your quick and generous response to my email. It brought immediate tears to my eyes and love to my heart. May God bless you in so many special ways.

My specific wish is http://www.wishuponahero.com/wishes/?id=634345 and your help, prayers, and encouragement is truly heartfelt.

Deeply Saddened

In the last two weeks, two of my friends have been lost; One due to a motorcycle accident and the other was senselessly murdered. It is said that you lose people in 3's and already in 2 weeks I have lost 2. I am scared for the rest of my friends and loved ones. These two that have already been taken from us were great men who would give you the shirt off their own back to help you and were nothing but fun, loving, and kind-hearted. It was not their time to go, but as I understand I am not the Higher Power that makes the decision for how long each individual stays on this earth, I would like to think that He/She understands that suffering the loss of these great men could only be made worse by losing another. I pray for the senseless violence to end, for the other families and friends who are also grieving this loss and I only hope that the myth of losing people in 3's does not prove to be true. Bless you Bobby and Eric, you will forever remain in our hearts.

Memorial Day - Need Help

My sincere gratitude goes out to each and every service man and woman for the sacrifices they are making daily to protect not only a country, but the families who live here. I was honorably discharged from the military exactly one month before 9/11 and while I am thankful I was discharged, those who have and still are serving our country deserve the utmost respect. If anyone has any family members who are away, know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I do need help though. I have put together packages for our soldiers overseas and while someone was going to get me information on where to ship it, that fell through and I still feel that these men and women deserve to know that they are not forgotten and that they are appreciated. If anyone has family or friends that are serving overseas and has an address where we can send some care packages, I would greatly appreciate it. I want these soldiers to know that they are loved and respected and even if what I have to send is not in mass quantities, my children (well at least my 6 year old) has also become very proud to make it his mission to let them know that he feels safe and is proud of them. It brought tears to my eyes when my 6 year old said he understood that soldiers were keeping our country from "having bombed ground and people that all hate each other." Wow, I don't let my child watch the news and his father isn't one for following politics or news so I'm really not sure where he learned it, one hand tells me that I should be proud that he is so socially aware, but at the same time I question just how aware he is because I do not want him to know the true horrors that some of these men and women have seen and had to go through. From the bottom of my heart, I thank the families and spouses of the service men and women, I myself do not know if I could handle losing a loved one for extended periods of time while away on orders or in the worst case scenario, permanently. So I thank you for your diligent patience, support, and love to them and only hope that some day as I grow older, I can learn the patience and courage that you possess. I hope that more people truly realize that this is not just a bank holiday, a day off of school, using Sunday as an extra night to party and drink when there are real reasons that we should be cherishing this day. To honor the men and women who deserve it!!!

If you know of a unit, or specific service member you would like a care package sent to, please, don't hesitate to email me! I would greatly appreciate it!

For that special someone

All I hear is emptiness, loneliness, and silence. The TV is on and all a blur. This room is dreary and bleak and the bed I lay in is solitary and cold. I watch the colors from the angel dance upon the wall while laying here waiting for the familiar hum of the garage door or ever the simplistic chord of the phone ringing. I yearn for the sound of your voice to realize itself instead of echoing through my ears and soul like a disc on repeat playing through the stereo. I crave your body, your sweet smell, your magical touch, and the delectable taste I've found only within the depths of you. My being is yours for the taking, I surrender to only you. Let's move beyond past transgressions and climb together higher than any mountain standing majestically over any horizon. My love is pure, it will not fade into an abyss filled with darkness. I'll be the strong oak you've deserved from the beginning and I'll show my self worth not to those I'd consider an audience, but to those close to my heart and reach out to keep me from stumbling. I will validate myself through doing fair, honest, and just work to claim the eye of the lens so the world can see me with nothing but clarity for who I am. While this paper and pen cannot wipe the tarnish from my name, it can vocalize a piece of me that is learning to sense life with a whole new meaning yet again. My intentions are only honorable and all I ask is that you look at me knowing that I feel like I'm looking into a kaliedascope with every turn revealing more depth and beauty.