When Did Women Become Men? Bullshit Games and Double Standards

One of my close male friends asked me this question earlier today and I have been pondering it and trying to put the pieces together. I had to ask, "What do you mean?" Well, a little history, this man is a charmer, he's good looking, a great dancer, a smooth talker, and not afraid to be flashy. He's not cheap, he's willing to buy a woman a drink, and never afraid to tell her at least one thing about her that is attractive either personality-wise or physically. We have history between us, but through it all, we've been able to remain at least friends with the occasional slips into the sack here and there. Problem, well, his divorce isn't final yet and as hard as he is trying to mind his p's and q's, he thinks women are making that pretty damn tough for him. As I said, amusing to me.

His response, "Well, I was out this weekend and I was approached by more women that were in a relationship or out with another man, asking for my number and telling me we should get together and hook up."

I laughed, however inappropriately, I was completely amused by it. All I've been thinking about all night is that I have seen it happen all around me for so long now it doesn't shock me. As a woman who was tending bar for just over three years, yes, of course, men hit on you and you laugh it off. The main bar I worked at was a bikini bar so the "regulars" got over it pretty quick and I established some great friendships out of working there. One of my co-workers, a younger female, had a new boy-toy every other week and she was nicknamed the "Queen of Dating" which to this day is still very amusing to me.

However, I'm rambling away from the main story line. My friend and I have known each other for years, prior to me working at the bar, but just now, in the wee hours of the morning, when I should be doing something else, did it occur to me when the "switch" occurred.

My history, from 14 until now, I'll be 27 next month, I've been in 3 serious relationships. I was with the father of my oldest child for six years, off and on, but mostly on. When I came home from the Army, I started seeing someone else, fell head over heels in love with him, and started working with a group of people that I could get into the bars with, and as much as I loved him, he was only 18 and couldn't get in with me. I didn't want to give up my lifestyle of partying and made the huge mistake of letting him go. Well, I ended up going back to the father of my child who while he was a little older than I was, still no bar and party action there. However, in the few weeks that I switched back to him, I got pregnant. I was in the unfortunate position of not knowing who my child belonged to and as cold-hearted as it may sound, I really had hoped that my son belonged to the one that he doesn't. Don't get me wrong, his father is a great dad, I don't regret that for a second, what I do regret is the heartache and pain I caused boyfriend #2 that really wanted this baby to be our child. Well, Daddy #1, didn't even tell his parents I was pregnant until 3 days before I actually had our son and had gone into labor twice already so there was some bitterness. In comes Daddy #2. I met him when my oldest son was only 3 weeks old, and we were together on and off for 6 years. It was a bad relationship, abusive verbally and physically, but I couldn't find the strength to leave because who was going to want a young mother? I kicked him out more times than I can count on my fingers and toes combined, but there was a spark there physically that I always let work to bring him back. So, after having kicked him out for what I swore was the final time, I found out I was pregnant. When I called to tell him, the response I got was, "You get rid of it or I'll do it my way." I was heartbroken, but the fact that he could even say something so cruel just left me shocked. At least this time, there was no doubt that he was the father even though he claimed otherwise. Bitterness again. We tried to make it work again for the sake of our son, but when the only connection you have is in the bedroom, it doesn't make a family whole. We couldn't communicate and the fighting only got worse. I kicked him out again. I went on vacation for a few days in Maui for sun, sand, and relaxation to clear my head with friends: another bartender and a male I previously worked with in the insurance industry. No big deal. Wrong, but that's another story completely.

I'm rambling again.

Well, I come home from Maui and Daddy #1 and I decide to move in together again and give it another shot. Only problem, Maui didn't clear my heart, my heart still was aching for the idea of what I thought Daddy #2 could be. So I told #1 it wasn't going to work and that I couldn't pretend. He moved out and back in moved #2. Ugh, what a mess. So the physical abuse stopped some, but the verbal abuse was still there and when he got pissed he thought it was okay to talk shit about me to our at the time 18 month old son. Not cool, I kicked him out again. DONE!

He was still chasing me, I was adamant about it being over, starting seeing other people, ended up having to get a restraining order, blah, blah, blah. We are still battling in court for custody because of a shitty recommendation from the Guardian ad Litem, yet another story in itself. (Good thing I'm having surgery later this afternoon and will have lots of time to write.)

So back to the question of when women became men... When we got sick and tired of being walked all over!

Boyfriend #2, the one who I had wished so badly was the father of child #1, is a race car driver. He and I didn't really end on terrible terms, hurt, but still civil. We talk occasionally and all was good. Until last weekend. I walked into the pits at the races to be cheerleader for a few of my other friends and BAM! I saw him, my heart started pounding. I looked at him and I felt like a giddy little school girl. I felt pathetic because I couldn't muster up the balls to just go talk to him. Well, I texted him instead, I had something to say. I had texted with him a few days earlier and I had made up my mind that I had something that I needed to tell him and thankfully one of my uber-supportive girlfriends told me that I needed to tell him so that I had no regrets.

PROBLEM: He's engaged now to a girl that has a 7 year old little boy. I texted him that I really needed to talk to him and fully intended on talking to him after he was done loading his car back onto the trailer, but I couldn't wait any longer, my heart was pounding so hard, I left the races in tears thinking that I really would never have my chance to say exactly what I needed to say to him.

We kept going back and forth via text until the car was unloaded at his house and he was gonna drink a beer with one of his pit guys and he would call me when his buddy left. I was waiting at the bar with another bunch of good friends, shaking like a leaf, them trying to tell me that he wasn't going to call and to relax. We decided to go to another bar and as we're walking out the door, HE CALLED!!!! I stopped at the gas station to grab some soda and we were just going to have drinks at his place. Odd... he lives there with his fiance and her child (not with him). She was working 3rd shift.

I had walked through the conversation (actually the one-sided conversation) so many times in my head, I could have been saying it in my sleep. I still love him! He was the best thing that ever happened to me! I don't want him to marry her! Pick ME!!!

So after a few hours of casual catch up, I finally tell him to just shut up and listen. (He is very sensitive; not very good at the shutting up part, but neither am I) During the night, he's proceeded to tell me that she is a lot like me, but cold-hearted, in the 6 years they have been together he has only see her cry once, and the only reason he was with her was because she's "loyal". Then, in not so many words, he told me that he proposed only out of obligation.

Twenty minutes after I had said what I needed to say, that I was sorry, that I learned a lot from our relationship, and I hoped he was happy, he and I are kissing, which he initiated. I backed away at first. If he was really that unhappy with her, what the hell is he doing? So, I enjoy it, it is great to feel his lips on me, everywhere, my neck, ears, lips, I missed it all. Well, so kissing leads to us having sex there in his garage. OF THE HOUSE HE SHARES WITH HIS FIANCE. Not that it was the greatest sex in the world, by far not, but it's with him, the one person I never really was insecure about anything with.

So, the sun is coming up, and she will be home from work soon. I have to go. I don't want to be there when she gets home and of course he sure as hell doesn't want me to be, but as I'm leaving he says "this is the last time" (just like he said the first time he cheated on her with me New Year's Eve a few years ago) so I don't really know what to do. I left and was able to contain my tears until I got halfway down the block and then they poured. I felt guilty, I love a man that never cheated on me, but cheats on her, I don't know if I really know him anymore.

So yesterday, the same day I'm asked this original question, he starts texting me that we should work on what we have in our lives. Okay, I don't want to be the homewrecker, however, does SHE really deserve to marry a man that she apparently doesn't know well either or does know and just chooses to ignore the fact that he's a cheater. To make matters worse, my cousin, who I am very close with, after I talk to her about the whole situation, turns out she works with his fiance. Ugh, now what? She knows how I feel about him and doesn't think that either of us deserve him. I don't necessarily feel like I should be the one to tell his fiance that he is a cheater though. I think that he should have to man up and do it. I've been contemplating so many ways to make it known without making it known that its me leaking the info to her, and I just can't seem to justify not doing it for selfish reasons of them not marrying and he and I having a second chance. But I also think that if he has changed and is a cheater now, do I even want that? MEN SUCK AND ARE FRUSTRATING AS HELL (Sorry guys, but you all say the same about women anyway.)

Well, I figured it out, after he stopped texting me yesterday and my friend asks when the swap happened, it's when we get tired of walked on and treated like dirt that we take things into our own hands. I'm not saying that what we do is always right (neither is what you do boys) but hell, we learned from the best.

It takes two people to talk, it takes two people to screw, and it usually takes two people to play a game. Why all the bullshit games though really? If you're not happy don't jump into a "game of playing house" just for the sake of doing it. Do what is going to make you happy and not chance losing half of your shit in the long run when you get busted for cheating and he or she divorces you?

Where are all the REAL MEN or WOMEN that don't play these bullshit games, sneak around, lie, or abuse their partner?

Daddy #1 wants to get back together and I tell him that my heart and my head are in two different places. My heart tells me to try to hold on to hope that they won't get married and I will get that second chance, my head tells me to stop holding onto the past and move forward and away from all of it.

And onto more games and bullshit, I've been sleeping with someone for almost a year, very casually. He claims to still be in love with his ex, who I am also friends with, they haven't been together for a little over a year. I am so physically attracted to him and emotionally we are connected on a level that no one around us understands. Well, I had the stones to ask him a few weeks ago what makes me "undateable" since things with him are obviously not going to progress to anything more than late night booty calls or when one of us needs moral support. He says it's because I have kids. His son, just turned 18, okay, I get not wanting to start over with a 6 and a 2 year old. I respect that. Then, my uber-supportive girlfriend calls to tell me that he's now dating someone with a 4 year old. He tells me he's not over his ex, he tells her the opposite. He tells me he doesn't know why he jumped into any type of dating relationship with her and that she's jealous and "it's only gonna get worse." WTF guys! Make up your damn minds already and just be straight with us.

Then there is another guy who I have blown off for over two years because I don't really know if he's my "type" and we get along great. He hasn't given up, knows I have kids, has 1 now and 1 on the way, and I still don't know if I should just let my head tell me to start fresh and let the past go. He thinks so, but of course, that's in his best interest to think so.

So back to original guy who asked when the change. Well, he says that I'm being played, sad thing is, he's right, but he is more than willing to be with me, kids and all, he has 2 of his own, whom I adore, but there is still the looming factor that his divorce is not final, I don't want to be that "other woman" and yet if it were Boyfriend #2, I'd jump in head first knowing that it's still the same shitty situation. Then again, WTF is wrong with me for even considering any of it?

SOLUTION: NO LIES, NO CHEATING, NO ABUSING, NO BULLSHIT, and then maybe women will lose their insecurities. I'm content in being alone, I have my kids, and as long as I'm getting some action once in a while, I'm okay, but yet I want someone to share myself with. JUST NO GAMES, does that even exist anymore???? Damnit, I wish I had the answers or a time machine to go back and right the wrongs before the damage was done with Boyfriend #2